


whispering like its a secret, only to condemn the one who hears it

by mikotoh



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Morgan Does Not Have Tuberculosis, Bisexual Arthur Morgan, Comfort, Coming Out, Explicit Language, First Kiss, Gay John Marston, Getting Together, Homophobic Language, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, John & Abigail do not stay together, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, No Smut, One Shot, Period-Typical Homophobia, Relationship Discussions, Self-Esteem Issues, Title from a Florence + the Machine Song, i guess??, john marston has low self-esteem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25448383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikotoh/pseuds/mikotoh
Summary: John gets in trouble for something completely new to Arthur.
Relationships: Hosea Matthews/Dutch van der Linde (implied), John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Comments: 14
Kudos: 70





	whispering like its a secret, only to condemn the one who hears it

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Plenty Natural](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797189) by [5bluetriangles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/5bluetriangles/pseuds/5bluetriangles). 



> ^ ive taken minor inspiration from several other fics across the archive too, but ive read so many that i dont remember what came from what anymore lmao. so here is a blanket thank you to many wonderful morston authors on ao3 💕💕💕💕
> 
> OH AND KUDOS TO THE MORSTON DISCORD TOO FOR ALL THEIR SUPPORT LMAO 💕💕💕💕💕💕

John Marston had been with the gang for eight years, and by this point Arthur Morgan had bailed him out of jail for every possible offense there was.

Or at least, he thought he had.

Tonight was different, judging by the look the deputy sheriff gave him when he entered the jailhouse. Arthur didn't seem to notice as he kept on walking past him to reach the last cell in the back of the jail, where John was laying on his side on the dingy prison bed, facing the door.

Arthur clucked his tongue and crossed his arms at the sight.

"Goddammit, Marston! I dunno what the hell yer in for this time, but it's keepin' me from drinkin' at the saloon all night and I ain't happy 'bout it."

John looked up to meet Arthur's line of sight, before limply shrugging his shoulders as the older man continued his tirade.

"You're twenty years old! You're too big to be getting thrown in small town jails fer what, pickpocketin'? Drunkenly misbehavior? What dumb shit did you do _now?"_

Normally whenever this sort of situation happened in the past, John was quick to anger and usually became defiant about whatever law it was he'd broken. 

But this time, he didn't say anything; just stared down at Arthur's shoes before turning over on the bed to face the wall.

Arthur barred his teeth and grabbed onto one of the jail bars, shaking it slightly. "Hey! You better answer me, Marston, or I swear I'll-"

"Uh, mister?"

Arthur turned to see the deputy standing next to him, and then quickly dropped his hand and tried to compose himself. 

"... Sorry, he's just real good at rilin' me up, even when he's givin' me the silent treatment." Arthur let out a sigh. "I got his bail money, although I'm thinkin' bout leaving him in there for a couple more hours just to punish his stupid ass…"

"Mister, are you… How do you know the prisoner?

Arthur gave the lawman a skeptical look. "He's my-... I'm his friend."

"Oh, you're… _just_ friends?"

"Well, I ain't his brother, if that's what yer askin'. Don't see why it matters."

"No, it's…"

The deputy looked around for a moment, before gripping onto the side of Arthur's arm and pulling him towards the sheriff's desk at the entrance of the jail, hopefully out of earshot of the last cell. 

Arthur grimaced and quickly shrugged the hand off of him as they reached the other side of the building.

"What are you playin' at, partner?"

"Your, ah, friend… He's not in for anything, you know, normal.

"Normal?"

"He… He's in for deviance."

Arthur's eyes went wide at the word. That could only mean one thing around these parts. John had… done _something_ with _another man_ , and got caught at that. Was this guy serious? Little Johnny Marston, the one who was always so popular with the ladies? That couldn't be right.

But after a brief moment of thought he decided to play dumb to see if he could get more info from the lawman.

"Deviance? What's that mean?"

"Aw, shucks, mister, you know… when a man _likes_ other men…"

Oh, boy. So his vocabulary was correct after all.

Arthur squinted and held his hands up in disbelief.

"John ain't like that! I know, I've known him since he was twelve. Back then he used to rip pictures of ladies out of catalogs from the general store and then go sneak off somewhere to look at 'em alone!"

The deputy shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

"Look, mister, maybe he was just drunk or something, but the fact is a couple of young, rowdy boys caught him and another fella… kissing, out behind the hotel. I dunno if you can see it in here 'cause the light isn't so great, but… they beat him. They beat him real good."

Arthur could feel the rage starting to build up inside him at the thought of John being hurt, but he gritted his teeth down and stayed quiet as the deputy continued.

"The other fella managed to run off, so he took everything they had. He's lucky it was me who found him and got him out of there before they could bash his head in. I have a cousin… like that, so it don't bother me much. But the sheriff, and most of the rest of the town… they don't take kindly to this sort of thing. So, please… Bail him out before I have to tell someone what he's in for. I ain't a good liar, mister."

Arthur held up a hand and slowly rubbed it down one side of his face as he let out an exasperated sigh.

"... Fine, I'll get him outta here."

\---

The ride from town back to camp usually went by pretty quickly, but this time it seemed to drag on as Arthur and John rode next to each other in a silence that surrounded them like a thick fog.

Eventually, John was the first to speak, voice sounding even more hoarse than usual.

"... Well?"

Arthur kept staring out at the road in front of them before reluctantly turning his head to look at the younger man. In the light of the setting sun he could just barely make out on his face a black eye starting to form alongside a bloody nose.

"Well, what?"

"Ain't you gonna say anything?"

"About what?"

John rolled his eyes so hard Arthur could have sworn he heard them move in his head.

"About me, bein' a queer."

Arthur's breath caught in his throat. He felt his hands start to get sweaty, which made him grip down harder on the reins as he glanced back towards the horizon.

"... Ain't nothin' to talk about."

"Like hell there ain't." 

Arthur looked at John again with a fiery anger in his eyes. But it wasn't there for the reason John probably thought it was.

"Fine, what do you want me to say? You're a goddamn idiot, John Marston. You've done a lot of dumb things in yer life, but this is by far the dumbest. You can't just…! You gotta-!"

"Like women?"

John stared at Arthur as he started to fidget slightly in place on his saddle, continuing to speak before Arthur could get another word in.

"I don't. I tried, Arthur. I did. It don't click for me. My head's all messed up, I reckon. Guess that makes me a… what? A degenerate? S'fine. I'm already dumb as rocks and can't do nothin' right so who-"

But this time, John was cut off by Arthur suddenly moving his horse in front of him and stopping, forcing the younger man to stop as well.

"That _ain't_ what I was gonna say."

Arthur took in a deep breath then and fixed his gaze intently on John's deep, dark brown eyes.

"I don't care who you like, John. I really don't. I'm surprised, I guess, but it don't matter to me. I was gonna say you have to be _careful_ about doing that sort of thing. Can't just go around kissing other men in public all willy-nilly just 'cause you got half a bottle of whiskey in you. It's too dangerous! You got off lucky this time 'cause of that deputy. In some other towns I'm sure they'd hang you right on the spot!"

Well, that certainly wasn't the answer John had been expecting. He stared at Arthur with wide eyes genuinely full of surprise.

"... You ain't mad?"

"No, I'm not mad about _that,_ just mad you almost got yerself killed over being horny!"

John watched the older man for a few more seconds before finally dropping his eyes to the ground.

"... I thought you'd hate me."

"No! You- You're- … You're too important to me for that, you moron."

Besides, it would be a bit hypocritical on his part, considering past experiences- or at least, that's what he thought to himself. 

After a moment of silence passed between them, John rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

"... Can we stop for today? Set up camp?"

"John, we're not that far from the gang."

"I know, but I…"

He bit down on his bottom lip then, desperately hoping Arthur would understand an inkling of what he was saying without actually having to say it.

He just wanted to talk some more, privately.

The older man groaned before hopping down from his horse with a grumble.

"Alright, alright. But it's your food we're eatin' tonight, you got that?

\--- 

It was a warm summer night with a completely clear sky, so for now the boys lay on their backs near the campfire, side by side, watching the stars. Once again they were in awkward silence, but it was Arthur this time who broke it.

"Why'd you think I'd hate you?"

John swallowed hard and interlaced his fingers together in his lap.

"... I dunno. I was just… afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"That'd you'd… treat me differently."

Arthur looked over with a confused expression on his face.

"What d'ya mean?"

"Like… We've always shared everything. Been real close. Shared tents, shared beds, hell, even shared baths a couple times… I thought you'd find it... disgusting if you knew, since we're s'posed to be brothers and all…"

"We're _not_ brothers."

John frowned and turned over on his side to look at Arthur.

"Why d'ya keep saying that?!"

"Because we're not."

"But you're ten years older than me!"

"So? I'm pretty sure Hosea is a lot older than Dutch too, but they ain't brothers neither."

John supposed he had a point there, although he wasn't quite sure what Dutch and Hosea were to each other. Maybe… they were like him?

He hadn't given it much thought before now.

John huffed before nervously twirling a piece of hair around his finger.

"... Then, what am I?"

Arthur shrugged as he closed his eyes and folded his arms behind his head.

"You're my friend. Kinda like family, I guess, but… different than my ma or pa, or Dutch and Hosea."

"Different?"

"Yeah… My best friend, I s'pose."

John's eyes went wide and he could feel his cheeks starting to get warm even in the cool night air.

"Oh… huh."

"That don't change the fact yer an idiot."

For what felt like the first time in forever, John caught himself smiling and laughing as he reached over and lightly punched Arthur in the shoulder.

"Why d'ya always have to ruin the mood like that, you jerk?"

Arthur didn't say anything else, just opened up one eye and returned the smile.

\---

In the next few years, Arthur still never hated John for who he was.

No, eventually, Arthur started to hate himself instead, even more than he already did.

He kept John's secret well. So well, he didn't even say anything when somehow Abigail had a baby, and she insisted it was John's.

Maybe it was and John had a change of heart, who knows. But after that, even as John refused to be a father, Arthur could feel himself drifting away from the younger man. They were growing apart, and Arthur couldn't figure out the reason why.

That is, until John suddenly left out of the blue one day, and didn't return until a whole year later.

Arthur had a long time to get angry, and he certainly was when John came back and everyone acted like it wasn't any big deal.

But he felt other things besides anger.

He realized it the moment he locked eyes with John again for the first time in a year, and John gave him a sheepish smile before being surrounded by everyone else in celebration.

He wanted to kiss him and tell him to never leave them, no, _him_ , like that ever again.

The revelation hit him like a ton of bricks, and Arthur did everything in his power to fight it back. It was wrong.

Not because they were men, but because he had known John when he was just a kid. Even though Arthur was sure he didn't develop feelings until John was fully grown, it still ate at him at night; ate at him as he watched John doing chores and realized he'd been staring before quickly trying to get his mind on other things.

And now, John had Abigail and Jack for him. A proper family, even if John only recently was starting to warm up to his son. 

As far as he could tell, John really did love Abigail. Arthur couldn't ruin that with his perverse thoughts.

So he became more and more cold toward John as time went by. Everyone else thought it was because of John's year-long absence, of course, but Arthur knew the truth. And he knew John was trying to make amends with him, close the gap that formed between them, bit by bit- but he refused to give in.

Until one day in the spring changed everything. 

\---

John had always been a heavy sleeper, there was no doubt about that. But as the day went on, Arthur noticed he wasn't sleeping in and was in fact missing from his tent. The older man was one of the earliest risers in camp and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of John at that time either, which meant he must have left even earlier.

That in itself wasn't too unusual; John was incredibly stubborn and could push himself to break his preferred routine if so desired.

But at some point Arthur realized Abigail and Jack were nowhere to be found either.

If John _was_ here and they weren't, then something would be wrong. But he wasn't, so Arthur held himself back from asking Dutch if he knew anything.

That night, Arthur couldn't fall asleep no matter how much he begged himself to- which meant he was the first one to hear the sound of hooves approaching camp.

It couldn't be anyone else. 

He jumped out of bed and threw on his clothes before stepping out from his tent and staring in the direction of the noise.

One person on horseback, slowly stopping the horse, and then slowly stepping down.

Arthur wasn't sure when he actually started to move towards the horse station but before he knew it he was there, and he had his hand on the shoulder of the figure in the night, even though they were looking away and he couldn't quite tell who the dark hair belonged to yet.

After a moment, the face turned towards him, and Arthur could suddenly see those same old wolf scars shining in the moonlight.

"John!"

John watched the older man before turning back to focus on hitching up his horse, staying silent.

Arthur was far from deterred, though, and just gripped down tighter on John's shoulder as he spoke in hushed whispers.

"Where have you been? Where's Abigail and Jack?"

John still didn't say anything in response, at which Arthur huffed impatiently and forcefully pulled John by the shoulder to face him.

"Where are they, John?"

John hissed through his teeth before trying to shove Arthur's hand away, to no avail.

"Gone."

Arthur blinked in shock and tugged John closer to him.

"What do you mean, gone?!"

"They're gone. They've left the gang. I took 'em to the train station near Emerald Ranch. They're starting a new life now. A better one."

All Arthur could do at that moment was stare, until John finally freed himself from his grasp and headed towards his tent.

After taking a moment to let it all settle in, Arthur practically sprinted after him and unceremoniously threw open the flaps to John's tent.

"Explain. Right now."

John glared at him before sitting down on the edge of his cot.

"I told you, they left."

"I'm not fucking _deaf_ , Marston, I heard that. Why?!"

"Abigail wanted to, after… after I told her how I am."

Arthur froze in place where he was standing in front of John, feeling a wave of both sadness and confusion suddenly wash over him.

"... What?"

"Abigail has been… talking. About maybe havin' another baby. I… I can't. Not again. The first time was just a… mistake. I still don't know why it happened. So I… told her. She… wasn't mad or disgusted, but… afterward she told me I was the only thing keeping her and Jack here. So I said she should just leave then, and… she agreed."

Arthur just stared with his mouth agape as John wrung his hands together.

"S'fine. It'll be best for them. I'm a sorry excuse for a dad and a husband, anyway. I… I honestly loved her, Arthur, but not in the way she needs someone to." 

After a moment of tense silence, Arthur finally stepped forward and gripped onto John's shoulders with both of his hands.

"John… Why the hell didn't you go with her?!"

John looked up at the older man before avoiding his gaze again with a shrug, but Arthur kept going.

"Even if you didn't love her physically, you… you could have gotten out of this life, John! You coulda still raised Jack and had a family! What the hell were you thinking?!"

Something ever so slightly changed in John, then. He sneered and sat up, shoving Arthur's hands away as he snapped back at him in what were barely whispers at this point.

"The fuck are you on about, Arthur?! You've given me nothing but the cold shoulder since I came back! And now you're sayin' I shoulda just left again?!"

"This is- This is different!"

"It's not! I… I came back for the same reason I left before!"

" _What_ reason?!"

"I…"

"God _dammit,_ John Marston, tell me why you're still here!"

"Because _you_ are! And you'll never leave the gang!"

At that moment it was like a bomb had gone off between the two of them, releasing an unrelenting tension into the air. 

Arthur stared at John with wide eyes then while the latter dropped his voice back down and glued his gaze to the ground.

"You'll… You'll never leave the gang, so… so I can't either. Because… I…"

And it was like the gears were clicking in place, in both of their brains at the same time.

Arthur tried to stammer out a reply, but the words kept catching in his throat.

"John, I…"

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm… I'm a fool, ain't I? Like always."

There were so many things Arthur wanted to say in that moment, but he was a coward and kept his heart back- even though all it craved right then was to hold onto John tightly and tell him everything he'd ever felt for the younger man.

Despite it being his own tent John walked back out and started in the direction of the nearby river, leaving Arthur speechless in the quiet of the night, with only the sound of crickets chirping to fill the void left behind.

\---

Yes, John was afraid of large bodies of water, but that didn't mean he didn't like sitting and looking at them- from a safe distance, of course. Or maybe it was because he was afraid that they were so alluring. John didn't know for sure. He just knew he liked to listen to the sound of the water moving- and to all of the little creatures that called it home surrounding him, each with their own unique noises.

Eventually he let out a sigh and laid back on the grass with his eyes closed. He stayed there undisturbed for a while, trying to soak up the calming atmosphere. 

It wasn't until he heard grass crunching that he opened his eyes back up- only to see Arthur bent over and staring him right in the face, upside down.

It caught him off guard, just a bit.

"Gah!" John started in surprise and suddenly sat up, Arthur laughing at him in the meantime. 

"Don't do that!"

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"I coulda easily pulled out my pistol and shot you dead!"

"Yer not that fast of a draw, Marston."

"Wanna bet?!"

Arthur just laughed again and took his place next John on the ground, even as the younger man pouted and crossed his arms across his chest- just the same as when he was a teenager and got upset whenever he didn't get his way.

Some things never change. 

Awkward silence overtook them for the umpteenth time that day. John kept his eyes on anything else but Arthur as he took out a cigarette and lit it, rolling it between his fingers as he puffed out smoke because he just couldn't stop fidgeting sometimes.

Arthur meanwhile had grabbed his satchel, and the only sound from him was the rustling of its contents until he found and pulled out the well worn leather journal of his. 

To John's surprise, Arthur didn't start drawing as per usual. Instead he flipped to a page a bit far back and held it out to the younger man.

John couldn't do anything but stare at the sketch suddenly in front of his eyes.

"... That's… me?"

"Yeah. I… I've drawn lots of people from watching 'em, but… I drew that when you left for a year. About six months in, I reckon."

John looked at the drawing in awe for a few more seconds before finally snapping his eyes back to Arthur.

"... You… From… memory?"

"Yup."

"But, Arthur… it's perfect."

"Mmhm."

John remembered then he had a cigarette in his mouth, and quickly took it out before it fell from him not paying attention and caught something on fire. He certainly didn't want the journal to, that was for sure.

He hesitated before wordlessly holding it out to Arthur. The latter took it without much thought, and John caught himself watching Arthur's lips as he took a drag on the cigarette.

Arthur glanced at him from the side of his eyes, and John quickly looked away as a deep blush spread across his cheeks.

He really hoped it wasn't visible in the dark.

"... I like both."

"Huh?"

Arthur took another drag as he watched the night sky.

"Men and women. Like 'em both."

"... Oh."

John looked back down at the drawing in his hands one more time, before finally closing the journal and setting it in his lap.

"Guess I never thought about that. Liking both, I mean."

"I never heard either of them say it, but… I think Dutch and Hosea are the same way."

"Really?"

So maybe those suspicions John had all those years ago were true after all.

He wondered if that meant he could tell them.

"... You ever, you know… been with men?"

"Couple times. Haven't really loved anyone since Mary, though."

"R-Right."

A long pause, then, until Arthur spoke in a deathly quiet voice.

"Except for you."

John felt his heart skip a beat as he whipped his head around to look at Arthur, but the older man avoided his line of sight.

His chest tightened as he tried to find the breath to speak with.

"I… You… You don't... mean that, do you? You… you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, I'm… I'm me! One… real mean, ugly son of a bitch without any brains-"

"John."

Arthur tossed away the remainder of the cigarette before reaching over and putting a hand on the back of John's neck, pulling him in closer.

"Maybe that's true, but… I am also a fool."

The two men watched each other as silence fell between them, until Arthur finally closed the distance and pressed his lips against John's, at the same time lifting his free hand to gently touch the scars on the side of his face.

Time all but stood still in that moment.

John was frozen in place at first, his brain being overwhelmed with too many different sensations and feelings all at once. But after his mind finally caught up with the rest of him he hesitantly gripped onto the front of Arthur's shirt as they kissed, balling up the fabric in his fist.

Arthur in turn responded by moving the hand on John's neck up to run it through the back of his hair, pulling his fingers through the seemingly endless dark waves- just as he'd always imagined himself doing before.

Neither of them knew how much time had passed before Arthur finally pulled away. He moved back only a little bit though so their faces still stayed close together. John ended up chuckling under his breath.

"... You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

Arthur smiled a bit in return and pulled John's hand off from his shirt so he could hold it in his own.

"Beat you to it, then, I reckon."

"Guess so."

John leaned in so that their foreheads were pressed together, and gingerly interlaced their fingers as he closed his eyes.

"... This might be wrong, John."

The younger man quickly snapped his eyes back open.

"Huh?"

"Me and you. I… I dunno. You... You're ten years younger than me, and I…"

John wasn't used to hearing such uncertainty in Arthur's voice. Such… vulnerability. He could see it in his eyes, too, and in the way he nervously adjusted the hat on his head. It wasn't like him.

"... Yeah, but you were the one who told me age don't matter. It don't matter to Dutch and Hosea, right?"

"I know, I know, but…"

"But nothing. We're both adults. Ain't we?"

"You weren't always one since I've known you, John."

He blinked a couple times in surprise. 

"... That's what's botherin' you about all this?"

Arthur just shrugged a little in response.

John went quiet then as he pulled out of Arthur's grasp and sat back to the side of him. The look in the older man's eyes at the sight was absolutely heartbreaking.

After a couple minutes of thinking to himself John finally huffed and suddenly threw his arms across Arthur's shoulders, pulling him into an embrace.

"I… I don't care. Nothin' about our lives has been normal since the beginning. We can't go tryin' to be something we're not all of a sudden. Especially if it means we can't be together."

Arthur was so caught off guard by the hug, all he could do was stare past John's shoulder as he held his arms awkwardly at his sides. His face was starting to feel very warm too.

"... Together?"

"Yes, you moron, together. Hope you didn't think you could just kiss me without any repercussions. Bastard."

At that Arthur finally let out a laugh and wrapped his arms around John in response, pressing a kiss to the visible skin at the crook of his neck as the younger man grinned against his shoulder.

"Weren't dreamin' of it."

**Author's Note:**

> WHEW first rdr fic lads..... 
> 
> some of this is definitely me @ me because while i love morston i also have mixed feelings about it in some aspects....... but i still love them anyway. so a bit of this is me working out shipping morston and being okay with it when im generally Very Much against ships like it with a certain dynamic
> 
> but regardless, i hope you like it anyway 😘
> 
> (btw theres two very vague references to a couple other works of fiction here [a video game and a tv show], see if you can spot em lmao)
> 
> title is from the song heavy in your arms by florence + the machine (bc i really just cannot think of my own titles it seems)


End file.
